Getting Things Right for Marriage

It is better to remain single than to walk out of a failed marriage. Given that marriage involves very deep physical and emotional union, walking out of a marriage is a painful experience. And when a child is already involved in that failed marriage, it adds lifelong issues and more pain to the child, the woman and the man. It is also better to walk out of an engagement than walk the aisle with the wrong person. It is less damaging for both the persons to take different paths, even after engagement, than share the path for a while and split up later or live with the wrong person all of one's life. But if one has got things right in the first place, marriage is beautiful. With the right person beside you, your joy is amplified and your burden halved.

Living with another person as spouse is about, knowingly or unknowingly, unmasking yourself before another person. One's thoughts, habits, desires and other components that are part of the individual are shared with the spouse for weeks, months and decades. And if there are deep and basic differences between the two persons, conflicts will arise. Depending on the issues, the conflicts can be superficial or bad. Conviction on religious belief and moral values are generally more deeply rooted than preference for certain food habit, dressing style etc. A fairly religious believer will find it difficult to be happily married to a person who is fairly superficial – if not anti-religion – with regard church going, tithing etc. In fact, if one person is a fairly committed church member and the other a fairly committed member of a Temple/Mosque, conflict will soon arise. No wonder biblical teaching restrains a Christian from getting married to a person of different religious persuasion. Thus, for a successful marriage, shared conviction on religious and moral belief is the first key point to be noted.

Second key component for a successful marriage is communication. Communication includes the medium as well as the content being communicated. Living together as couple will mean talking about all kinds of issues – from the mundane to the sublime. So when the educational gap is too wide between the two, certain content being communicated across gets only partly taken in or, worst, lost. If such communication gap accumulates over a period of time, chance of conflict between the couple increases. With wider cultural gap, chance of flashpoint increases. Without proper communication channel – medium and how content gets across – marriage will descend into a disaster.

Third key point is about maturity. Legally marriageable age for boys is 21 and for girls 18. But physical maturity does not necessarily follow emotional and financial maturity. Even at 25 a person could be just as old as 15 – irresponsible, dependent and unprepared to build a home. It is physically, emotionally and financially draining for the parents when a child is ill. With much care, illnesses can be minimised; but it is hard to completely prevent it. Without physical, emotional and financial preparedness an unforeseen but likely event such as an illness can damage any prospect of a happy home. Most marriageable Nagas are physically and emotionally stable, but many are financially unprepared. One does not need to begin a marital life with a fat bank balance or a huge asset. However, it is needed to start life with no debt besides having a stable source of income to run the family. Without these three components of maturity in place, it is more prudent to delay marriage.

If these points are essential to take note of, then it is important that one gets to know the person fairly well first before getting into a romantic relationship. Once a person gets into a romantic relationship, it is difficult to maintain objectivity – you refuse to see the negative side of the person. Moreover, to ditch a person after getting to know his/her weakness after being emotionally entangled is not as good as not getting emotional entanglement with such a person in the first place. But to get things right – from preparation to getting married – parents and the child must learn to talk and discuss about such issues. To that end, the culture to talk and talk on all issues between parents and children must be appreciated and encouraged. As an individual and a society, let bygones be bygones; let a new chapter begin for us all. And may God help us all in establishing a stable home and a flourishing society.

(This article will appear on 16th Feb. 2015 @ Hornbill Express)