Feast of Merit in Marriage

In the ages gone by, our ancestors did not have wealth so much so that sharing a meal with his fellow neighbours was a costly affair. Going to the field was not safe; headhunters from the neighbouring villages might launch an ambush. Nature was harsh, and he did not have medicine to get back his health whenever an illness strikes him; he has to wait and let natural course have its way towards recovery or death. Rivers and monsoon rain were not domesticated and therefore irrigation system was poor. When taken little more of rice beer, that drunken state makes him unfit to plough his field. All of these factors made our ancestors poor. In such widespread shortage of wealthy ones, to have earned the status of a generous man who could feed the whole village was indeed an honour. It was truly a feast of merit.

It seems that the hangover continues; the search for honour lives on. But this times the feast is dished out during marriage. Not every marriage feast is about seeking honour, but not every marriage feast is also about generosity. The individual knows best the motives behind the action. The bigger question, however, that requires reflection is whether marriage feast that is fast developing into a culture merits affirmation or otherwise. Surely, in any marriage guests, friends and relatives specially who come from afar must be provided a comfortable stay. But the idea and practice of marriage feast goes beyond this.

Depending on the size of the groom's village and the of the bride, if she is from another village, the expense varies. Given the general economy of the district residents, anything around five lakhs is a significant figure. Bigger programme would go beyond five lakhs and modest ones below this figure. But the truth is that even one lakh is so high for most of the households. Many families run into debts as they strive hard to provide education to the children or as an illness hits hard one member of the family. Many more are just about sufficient to meet their needs. Most people would be emptying their life long saving if two lakhs get withdrawn from their purse. Only a small percentage would remain unhurt with few lakhs spent to provide a marriage feast. No wonder even long ago feast of merit was such a rare occasion!

A benevolent giver should be affirmed. Seeking honour is not bad in itself. But when marriage feast becomes a pattern such that it begins to create pressure on those who are unable to afford it, then this honourable action becomes questionable. It begins to put pressure on the society at large when a young man or his relatives begins to feel being 'left out' without such a feast. Feast of merit was optional for our ancestors; marriage is not quite like that. Marriage is widespread across different economic strata. Once it begins to emerge as a cultural practice such that being 'left out' is a shame for the family or the groom, the rich ones cannot just shrug it off and say the poor need not follow the cultural pattern. The rich and the poor have both contributed to the emerging culture, and therefore for the sake of the larger society, a different pattern would have to be set by all the parties.

It is time to make marriage ceremony less expensive – particularly without a feast. The occasion is special. Yet what makes it beautiful and joyful is not necessarily the cost. Simplicity has its own charm. Seeking an honour in a pervasive occasion like marriage, and which only a tiny section could achieve it without getting financial hurt is not a desirable path to earning fame and honour. If generosity is the motive, giving on another occasion that will not develop into a harmful culture in the near future is more desirable. In today's age, hosting a marriage feast is not necessarily the most creative way of showing generosity or sharing one's joy. If generosity is truly the reason, why not pay off someone's debt or the school fees of those children whose parents labour hard in the rain? This is unlikely to materialise because generosity may not quite be the single reason or even the main reason – something else too is involved. Yet at the end of the day, given that the emerging culture of hosting a feast in marriage is becoming more of a burden for most families, it would be more appropriate for a responsible citizen to set a different trend. May the tribe of those who are willing to set a different culture increase! 

(This article appears on 9th February, 2015 at Hornbill Express)